I admire writers who do such a good job in describing the feelings of bereaved parents. I sometimes come across posts and all I can think is “wow, I could not have said it nearly as well”. Here is one of such posts by Sarah from Austin, Texas, who lost her daughter Genevieve in July 2011. She named the post “The language I speak” and in the post she contrasts the language she speaks with the language of the innocent.
One could find other words for such innocence. Naive. Unrealistic. Uninformed. However, innocence captures it much better because it is not judgemental. The other terms would just reflect a bitterness of being excluded from that club. I would love to be innocent again, especially when it comes to child loss. How wonderful my life was when I did not know how much can go wrong during pregnancy. I envy the innocent.
Losing a child transforms a parent from one extreme to the other. Instead of being full of hope and excitement, doubts and fears dominate. This was absolutely prevalent when we were expecting Tobias. We felt guilty for not being able to get back to this innocence of simply enjoying and anticipating his arrival. There was always the thought of what we would do when we lose him like we lost Marlon. Nothing is for certain any more. Bye bye confidence…
